Khushi’s Interlude

Four years ago

Delhi

“Bitiya, what does it say?”

“Arrey, of course it says, yes. Will you let her finish reading the letter?”

I look up at my parents who are anxiously waiting for my response, but I still can’t believe it myself.

“Um… I got accepted to Wharton. It also says, based on my grades and internships, I qualify for the Executive MBA program and they are giving me a partial scholarship. Oh my God, I can’t believe I got in… Amma… Babuji… I got in!  Can you believe this?” The adrenaline rushes through as I jump up and down.

My father takes the acceptance letter from my hand, no doubt afraid I will ruin it.

Once I calm down, I remember to take my parents blessings and engulf them as they congratulate me. My father’s shoulders are in fine form feeling proud, while there is a hint of sadness with my mother about me leaving in a month.

“We are so proud of you, Titaliya. It looks like you are closer to having your dream fulfilled of working in the corporate world.”

“Most kids, want to be a doctor or engineer, but not our daughter. She wants to be a businesswoman. It’s all because of all the business news you watch all day, since she was a child. So this was bound to happen. I just pray to Devi Maiya that your dreams come true.  Our only child, our miracle. I wish you’re always happy like you are now. Nazar na lagey kisi ki.”

“Amma, you are so dramatic. Maybe when I am not here for you to smother, you can go work for a serial. Guarantee you will win an award, Best Ma! And my dream is to be a CEO, so please pray for that specifically.”

I can see her frowning, so I pull her into an embrace which brings the smile back to her face.

“Haan, my baccha, I will pray for that specifically. But, who is going to want to marry a CEO? You know our culture… I support your dream, but you have to…”

My dad gives me a nod, as he interrupts her, neither one of us wanting to have that debate with her.

“Garima, let her enjoy her moment right now. Plus, it takes years to become a CEO, she still has a long journey ahead of her for that to happen.”

I shake my head, as the banter continues with my father taking my side. But, my mother is under the assumption that if I reach my career goals, it would be hard to find an alliance for me.

What rubbish!

Why can’t women be successful and hold high level positions?

Doesn’t matter, I am proud of my achievement for getting into a top business school. It’s one step closer to achieving my ultimate goal.

Wharton, here I come!

*****

A couples weeks later as we are having dinner, my mother seems very happy. This is odd, since she’s been sulking about me leaving. She keeps looking at my father giving him signals to say something. But he seems uncertain.

“Okay, what’s going between you two?  Out with it.”

My father shakes his head, but my mother decides to speak up.

“Yesterday, when we went to Komal’s wedding, your Babuji met an old friend from Lucknow. They were so nice. Oh, and their son was also with them, unlike you who made an excuse last minute and did not come. He is such a sweet boy.  Guess what?”

I know exactly where this conversation is headed. Whenever my mother says sweet boy means rishta discussion. And, that is not happening. Not now.  

“Amma, why should I guess?  Since you are going to tell me, so go ahead.”

“Sameer goes to Wharton too, can you believe it? He is doing his MBA in International Business, and is here for a few weeks on break. The boy is good looking, the family is really nice. And it seems you both have similar goals. So, we were thinking…”

“Really, what were you thinking? Let me guess, I should marry him, right? After all he seems like a perfect match for me.  Tell me Amma, did you set the wedding date?”

“Khushi, calm down. Is that anyway to talk to your Amma?  No one is talking about getting married right now, but you have to admit, it’s a great match. You both will be in the same school, which gives you time to get to know one another. We can talk about marriage once you both are finished with your studies. No one is going to force you into marriage. Think about it, you will share the same career goals, and his family will support you with your dream like we do.  So, yes. It is a perfect match. Give me a reason why it’s not.”

“Bitiya, we have always supported you, can’t you at least consider this proposal? We just want what’s best for you.”

I look at both of my parents, and I know they mean well. They’re my parents. But I don’t need the burden of being in a relationship when, for the next two years, I need to focus on my studies.

But how can I say no to them?

“Since you have already made the decision, there is nothing else for me to say. I will do whatever you want me to do, happy? Can I please be excused now?  I am finished with my dinner, and would like to go upstairs to start with packing.”

As I look around my room, I think about my childhood in this house. My parents have always been by my side, and have fulfilled every wish of mine. I know the sacrifices they are making so I can attend Wharton. Even with a partial scholarship, there are significant expenses for the next couple of years.

Just like I am their everything, they are mine.

Why can’t I happily do this for them?

It’s the only thing they have ever asked from me.

Now the question is, who the heck is this Mr. Perfect… Sameer?  

He sounds too good to be true.

*****

A month later, after settling in at Wharton, Sameer and I decide to meet for dinner. Due to our schedules, and his work, we haven’t had a chance to meet earlier. Which was perfectly fine with me, as I am in no rush, with my classes keeping me busy. Based on my counselor’s recommendation, I have also signed up for a business case study. It allows me to gain experience with conducting analysis and preparing a presentation on a real company facing a business issue. And the opportunity to share it with a few PR agencies, after which they hire the student with the top case study. So, if all goes well based on what I can put together, I might have a chance for getting a full time position. That should help from a financial standpoint instead of having my parents paying for my tuition and expenses.

“Okay, where the hell is this guy?  He’s already thirty minutes late. Couldn’t he call or send a quick text. I look like an idiot waiting here in the front of the restaurant. That’s it I give him five more minutes, then I am leaving.” I mutter, glancing at my phone for any messages to find none. But then I notice a red Lexus aggressively pulling into a parking spot, cutting off another driver. It disgusts me at how inconsiderate someone can be, when clearly the other car was waiting.

“What a jerk! Wait, is that him? Yes it is… damn.”

Of course, I had stalked him on Facebook for a glimpse, not to mention I was curious since my parents have deemed him as Mr. Perfect.  

He looks like an average guy, not ugly, but not attractive either. My heart is definitely not going haywire, according to all those romance novels I have read. He is only a couple inches taller than me, and skinny. All bones and no muscles. His hair is not well groomed, a little on the longer side, with dark brown eyes, covered behind his glasses and dusky complexion. Overall, he is average. I guess I can deal with him.

As he approaches me, there’s an arrogant vibe about him. A typical dominant male, making me wonder if his personality is the same.

He smiles, extending his hand out to me, then firmly shakes my hand. Which feels extremely odd.

What is this, a business deal?

“Hi Khushi, I am Sameer. It’s nice to finally meet you. Sorry for being late, but I got held up at work, dealing with an issue. You should have waited inside for me.”

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you as well. Not a problem, I understand issues come up at work. For a while I was thinking you stood me up, since there was no message from you. If you need to get back to work we can reschedule.”

“No, then I will feel more guilty. I am really sorry, let’s go inside.”

I nod, and he walks ahead of me into the restaurant without even glancing at me. Which I assume must be from being preoccupied with work.

Once we are seated, both of us remain quiet looking through the menu.  Though, he does look at his phone periodically.  

“So, are you all settled?  I think your parents had mentioned you were staying on campus in the Graduate housing.”  He asks once the waitress takes our order.

“Yes, luckily I was able to get a one bedroom apartment in Sansom Place. It’s a nice building with mostly graduate students, plus it’s on campus so easy to get around everywhere without me having to buy a car. Are you on campus as well?”

“Actually, last semester I was in the same building. But, this time I decided to get an apartment off campus with a friend of mine. Papa just bought me a car, since I started working. It’s an internship, part of the work study program. I am hoping this job works out, and I get an offer. Then I will be able to settle down in the States. How do you like it here so far?”

“Oh, congratulations on the internship.  Hopefully it all works out for you. So far, I am loving it here, even my classes and professors. I have also signed up for a business case study, which has been a very interesting experience. We present to a few PR firms next week. I heard they will hire someone if they like the findings. So, let’s see what happens. But, I do miss home and my parents. This is my first time away from them.”

He gives me incredulous expression, catching me off guard.

“I can’t believe you miss home and your parents, really? I love my independence with no nagging parents on my back.  That’s why I am hoping I get a permanent offer to be able to stay here.  And, about getting that job, don’t get your hopes up high. I had tried that as well, it’s really tough and they’re particular about who they select. Maybe you should look elsewhere, start off with an entry level position.”

I stare at him, unsure how to react. But then I guess not everyone is close to their family, and I have no right to judge him.

Luckily our food arrives, and the topic turns into more about our likes and dislikes.

We have similar taste in food, he has a sweet tooth and loves spicy food.  We both have the same interest in Bollywood movies and American TV dramas. Like my father mentioned, our career goals are the same. Both of us ambitious about marking our place in the corporate world.

All in all, we could actually get along well, putting aside his arrogance.

“Khushi, I had a great time tonight. It looks like our parents were right about us. I really like you, so if you are okay with it, meaning me, maybe we can start seeing each other. What do you think?”

“I had a great time as well, I guess there’s no harm in seeing where this goes. Seeing how delighted our parents will be.”

Why do I feel like we closed a business deal?

This by no means is how I imagined getting into a relationship with someone.

*****

The next couple of weeks, Sameer and I speak regularly on the phone and even have met for coffee on campus in between classes. With both of us being busy, there hasn’t been an opportunity for another formal date. Until tonight.  

A part of me is relieved that he doesn’t expect me to drop my studies to go out with him. There seems to be a mutual understanding, knowing how much work and time school requires. Not to mention he’s working full time.

This time he picks me up, so I make my way downstairs when he calls to let me know that he is a few minutes away. As I get inside his car, he’s on the phone. He pulls away instantly, without even a glance at me.  

While I understand he’s busy, but can’t he acknowledge with a simple gesture?  He sounds rather obnoxious on the phone, so I decide to keep my eyes out the window.

“Sorry, I was dealing with my study partner. Our project is due tomorrow, and I haven’t had time to work on it. If it’s alright with you, I might have to make it a quick dinner.”

“Sure, that’s fine. It’s okay with me if you want to head back now. We can do this some other time.”

“No, I am hungry so might as well eat, then I will pull an all-nighter finishing the project. Also, didn’t you want to talk to me about something?”

“Yes, but I will tell you once we get to the restaurant.”

My mood changes, thinking about my news, and I can’t help but smile widely.

He surprises me, returning a smile and takes a hold of my hand. I am taken aback, since this is the first time he has touched me. I guess the formal hand shake when we first met doesn’t count.

But it’s strange that I don’t feel anything. Based on what I have read, aren’t you supposed to feel a spark or something?  Maybe I am overthinking it.

                                                      

We decide on Mexican at a famous fast food place, and I offer to pay as a treat on the good news I have to share with him.

“Remember that Business case study… well guess what happened?”

“Obviously you didn’t get selected. Right?”

I stare at him in disbelief, as he eats his burrito without even looking in my direction. Taking a deep breath, I push aside his abrasive tone, and deliver the exciting news.

“Actually, I did get selected. Ogilvy’s offered me a full time Business Analyst position. Also, they offer an education reimbursement as part of the package, which should cover the remaining amount of my tuition that my scholarships don’t. The best part is I get to work alongside with one of their female Executives, who heads up marketing. This is so exciting, there’s so much I can learn from her, not to mention their client portfolio which is quite diverse. I still can’t believe they extended me an offer.”

I can’t hold back my excitement, but his expressions are mixed making it hard to read him.

“Sameer, what happened? Did you hear what I just said?”

“Are you sure it’s a full time position and not an internship? I have never heard of such a thing. And there is no way they will pay for your MBA.”

What’s wrong with this guy? Here I was thinking he would be happy for me, but instead he’s doubting me.  

“Yes it’s a full time position with an option to work from home a couple of days to accommodate my school schedule. The case study I presented was an actual client of theirs, and they want to implement some of my recommendations which will help them grow in a year’s time. As for the scholarship, I actually negotiated that into my offer. I don’t want my parents to sacrifice their retirement savings on my education.”

“You did what? Now they are going to think it’s about money for you versus the position. That was a dumb move, Khushi.  You should think or at least consulted with me before negotiating.” He shakes his head, and looks down on his phone.

“First of all, HR asked me what it would take for me to accept the position on the spot, since they want me to start Monday. Also, there was another PR firm that wanted to offer me a position. I told them, and they said yes immediately, before I had a chance to go elsewhere. I already signed my offer letter. So, it’s a done deal.” I proceed to eat quickly, ready for this dinner to be over. But when I look up, he’s staring at me with his mouth wide open.

“Well, I guess congratulations are in order. Congratulations, Khushi!”

He places his hand over mine from across, the table and I give him a faint smile.

“Thank you.”

For someone who is going to be my life partner, I would have expected more. There was nothing genuine about his wishes.

But I decide to let it go, since he’s stressed about his project.

*****

“Khushi, are you going to keep mumbling like that?  Or are you going to tell me why you were happy a second ago, and now you look like you want to punch someone?”

I look over at my friend who has been patient as I exchange text messages with Sameer. Shaking my head, I put my phone in my purse so I can enjoy my lunch in peace.

“It’s nothing, Anjali.  Sameer just cancelled our dinner tonight, again.  Sometimes, I just don’t get him. I am busy too, but I make the time for him when he wants to see me. I drop what I am doing to meet him for coffee or lunch. Even when he needs help with his course work, I am there.  We have been together now for six months, but we barely see each other for more than thirty minutes when we are together.  How is this relationship going to work?”  

“That’s because you both have fulltime jobs and school. It’s bound to happen. But it will get better after you get married and school is out of the way.  Look at Shyam and I, we were the same, but our love for one another makes this relationship stronger plus we communicate. Maybe you need to tell Sameer how you feel. He will understand.”

I wish I could.

All I can do is smile, unsure how to reply.

“I guess you are right.  Can I ask you a question?”

“Why are you being so formal? We have become really good friends in the past six months. I tell you everything about my life. What is on your mind?”

“Woh… um… how do you know when you love someone?”

She smiles at me, and puts her hand on mine.

“Oh, Khushi, how do I explain this to you? Well, when you love someone, they are the first person you think about, and you would do anything for them. When they walk in the room, you heart beats faster. You love their imperfections, and support them with their decisions. And, you can’t see your life without them… it becomes about having a forever with that person. Does that make sense?”

There’s an uncertainty with which I take in what she has said, as I lean back on the chair. Though that’s not what I voice out loud to her.

“Yes, it does.”

“But it has to be both ways, and it doesn’t happen overnight like you see in the movies or read in romance novels.  People often mistake attraction for love.  Even when they are intimate, they quickly say, I love you. But that’s not always love. That’s attraction, and there is nothing wrong with that.”

I walk away from the conversation, realizing that I don’t feel attraction or love for Sameer. Yes, I support him, and have planned my life with him, but I don’t feel those emotions.  

But when he recently said, I love you, to me while we were kissing, why did I say it back?

Was it because, I felt that I ought to say it?

Do I blame that on inexperience with relationships and my age?

All I know is that I need to talk to him.

*****

The following week, I finally muster up the courage to have an actual conversation about our relationship with Sameer. I tell him about my feelings, along with my thoughts about love in general. We talk about the lack of time that keeps us away. Both of us agree to communicate with one another, which has been a huge gap in our relationship thus far.

I am surprised when he brings up the topic of sex. While we have been intimate to a certain degree, but till this day, I have not felt comfortable taking that step forward. Well aware, if it had been up to him, we would have had sex.  But, there is something stopping me, it just doesn’t feel right.

“Are you saying that you want to wait till we are married?”

“I am not saying that, but we need to work through our relationship first. We can’t even give each other time, so how is this going to work? I am not ready yet…”

“Then maybe we can move in together?”

“That’s not the solution here, plus our parents would never approve. Please let’s work on our issues first, before we take that step in our relationship.”

I walk up to him, taking his hand and plead for him to understand if this has any chance of working.

“Okay, you are right. But, I am still allowed to do this, right?”

He leans down to kiss me, and I kiss him back in hopes that we can make this work. For the sake of our families.

*****

The next six months, we both make the effort, and our relationship indeed becomes stronger. We carve out time for each other when possible, though it’s not much since work and school keeps us very busy. I support his decisions, look over his imperfections, and I think about our married life together.

“Oh my God, you won’t believe what happened at work today…”

“Here we go again, what great thing did you do today?”

“Uh… forget it. So, what do you want to do for your graduation celebration?”

At times I want to chide myself for bringing up my work, aware he doesn’t like to hear about it. He’s been upset the past month after learning his internship did not extend to a permanent position. And I need to be sensitive talking about my accomplishments.

“I am sorry, Khushi. Please tell me what happened.” He sighs, pulling me into an embrace.

“It’s okay… it’s not a big deal.” I take a deep breath, wrapping my arms around his shoulder. It’s when he softly urges me to continue, do I speak. “I got promoted to Marketing Analytics Manager.”

But he throws me off, literally pushing me away and scowls, causing me to flinch.

“Just great, here I can’t find a job, and you get a promotion. This is fucking ridiculous. I have seen your work, and there is nothing extraordinary about it.  What are they thinking? Let’s forget celebrating. I need to find a job, before my parents make me go back to India and start with the “look how great Khushi is” lecture.”

Why did I say anything when he is stressed about finding a job?

It doesn’t have to be about me all the time.

*****

The next year while I am at Wharton completing my MBA, Sameer heads to Chicago with his friend and luckily finds an Analyst position with an Investment firm. Both of us keep in touch daily the first couple of months, then it goes to a few days a week then weekly.   The one thing that has helped is we aren’t arguing.

It makes me happy that he is doing well at work, and gets promoted after six months. It’s all because of his hard work and long hours. And it seems like the confident Sameer is back, which is a good thing. Though, I am still careful not to talk about my grades and accomplishments at work to avoid any further conflicts.

What’s the need anyway?

During my graduation, I am surprised when he comes for a couple of days to visit. Having him and my parents there as I get my degree makes it even more special. Since my parents are here, we don’t get to spend any time alone, but then we have our whole life in front of us for that.

After the ceremony, we go out for a celebratory lunch, and I also invite Anjali and Shyam since they have been a big support system for me during my stay here.

“Your Amma and I are so proud of you for graduating top of your class with a 4.0 GPA.  That is impressive, and you should be proud of this accomplishment too. My Titaliya is all set to take on the corporate world.”

Seeing my parents emotional, beaming with pride, makes me tear up. If it weren’t for their encouragement, I would not have been able to do this.

“Uncle, our Khushi has already taken over the corporate world. I can’t believe she is up for another promotion as Director of Marketing once she has her degree. I am so happy for my bestie. But please, make her take some time off, she needs it. She has been working nonstop for two years.”

My dear emotional friend joins my parents in the emotional dramatics, causing me to shake my head, as she finishes her little speech.

“Of course Anjali, now we have a wedding to plan. I am just counting the days for her to come home, so I can fulfill my dream of seeing her get married. You and Shyam have to come for sure.”

As Anjali opens her mouth to accept the invitation, Sameer interrupts.

“Auntie, there is still time for us to get married. Let us get our careers started, we still need a couple of years. Am I right, Khushi?”

I feel him slightly kick my leg underneath the table, no doubt to agree with him. Looking at my mother’s expression, I can tell she is shocked at his clipped tone. Plus, he has said barely said anything during the lunch.

“Yes, Amma, we still need time. Plus, Sameer is in Chicago while I complete my assignment over the next couple of months. Before you know it I will be back home with you. Theek hai?”

The table gets quiet for a few moments, but Anjali and Shyam engage my parents in a conversation, which works well to distract them. Thank goodness for my friends.

“Why am I learning about your GPA, you being top of your class or upcoming promotion today? It looks like me being away has given you a lot of time to focus on other things. Too bad you are not that great with keeping your soon to be husband happy.”

I close my eyes, as he whispers in my ears, before making an excuse to go to the restroom.

What can I do to make him happy?

No matter what I do, it’s never good enough.

*****

A few months later, I transfer to Delhi with my new promotion until we are ready to get married. I want to spend as much time as I can with my parents before the wedding, knowing that Sameer wants us to settle in the States.

But Sameer and I rarely talk now because of the time difference.  I don’t know what to do anymore about him. Maybe once we get married and are living together, things will get better.

Our parents are planning the wedding for next year, but are pushing us to get engaged now, while Sameer is visiting for a couple of weeks. And he is not at all please, with his time being consumed with preparations for the party. Thankfully the day of the engagement he is fine.

The engagement ceremony turns out to be a lavish affair at a five star hotel hosted by his parents, with all our acquaintances invited. I get overwhelmed seeing the joy on my parents face during the party, and I realize that my one yes to marry this man is the biggest gift I could have given them.

“I hope you are not crying because you are stuck with me for life. But it’s almost a done deal.”

I look up at his serious gaze after we exchange rings.

“Why would I cry about that? I am emotional seeing my parents that’s all.”

“You and your parents, I don’t understand this weird relationship you have with them. Okay, listen… I got a room upstairs, so when the party is over come see me upstairs.”

“Um… I… can’t… what would I tell my parents?”

“Don’t worry about them, my parents are taking all the adults back to our house. I will tell them I will drop you home. Come on don’t look at me like we are committing a sin… we are engaged for god’s sake. And we haven’t had any alone time in how long?”

“And whose fault is that?”

“What did you say?  Forget it, I don’t even know why I try…”

I grab his hand as he is about to walk off the stage.

“Fine, I will come upstairs.”

Once the party wraps up, and I enter the room with the key he gave me, I notice he is not here. After a few minutes, my heart races as I hear the door open and see him standing there.

“You actually came, I thought you wouldn’t show up.”

He comes up close to me, and caresses the side of my face. But something doesn’t look right. I close my eyes, as he kisses my neck pulling me into his arms. His hands go to the back of my choli, and pull onto the dori tightly untying it, and I stiffen. He slides my blouse down on one side, kissing my bare shoulder as I grasp onto his hand.

“Oh Khushi, you have made me wait for a long time, but not tonight.”

I look at his darkened gaze, as he lowers his lips to mine and kisses me. But, I push him away.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I can ask you the same question, are you drunk?  I knew something was off with the way you walked in here, and even your eyes.”

“What difference does that make?”

“It makes a huge difference! I am not going to do this while you are intoxicated. Is this really how you want to remember our first time? We don’t even have a cordial relationship anymore! We rarely talk, and when we do, it leads to an argument. I can’t believe this… what is wrong with me… why did I come up here?”

I feel my fingers tremble as I try to retie the dori, which is turning out to be herculean task as I struggle to hold back the tears from falling. I refuse to let him see me cry.

“Everything is wrong with you! We are engaged, isn’t that considered a relationship? I think it is, so stop acting all high and mighty. That act might work for you in the office, but not with me. Do you get that? You know what… just go home, and get out of my face. Here’s some money, and take a cab.”

Ready to lash out, I glare at him as he throws money at my face. But he swiftly walks to the bathroom slamming the door shut.

What just happened?

Is this my fault?

What am I going to tell my parents?

When I get home, my parents are not back yet so I run upstairs into my bedroom and lock the door. My body shakes, recalling tonight as I pace my room not knowing how to handle the situation. The tears stream down my face unchecked, and I can’t breathe.

What is happening to my life?

That’s the mantra I keep chanting until I collapse onto my bed shutting my eyes.

The next morning, I wake up hearing my mother banging on the door.

“Khushi? Wake up, baccha… you are going to be late for work.” I look around, and everything seems to be hazy.

Was I having a nightmare?

Why am I still wearing my lengha?

Then everything from last night comes flashing back. It wasn’t a nightmare, it actually happened.

“Titaliya… are you awake?”

“Yes Babuji, I will be downstairs in fifteen minutes.”

I can’t tell my parents what happened, it will break their hearts.

The next week, I keep myself occupied with work and neither one of us calls the other. I have blocked that night out of my head, since I have no solution to fix this mess that my life has become.

But I am hit with reality when I walk into my house one evening to find Sameer and his family there.

“Oh good Khushi is here, come… we have great news.”  

I walk over to my father who beckons me to sit with him. Everyone has a smile on their face, including Sameer. Which makes me uneasy for some reason.

“Khushi, we are getting married next week. Isn’t that exciting?”

“What?!”

My mother nudges me for my outburst.

“Sameer got a few extra weeks of leave, and since he won’t be able to come back for a few years due to work. It’s best to have the wedding now. Beta, you can go there once your transfer gets approved.”  His father speaks up.

I look over at my father for help, but he gets busy talking to my mother. Then I look over at Sameer, and he signals me to go to the kitchen.

“What are you up to? You don’t call for a week after our engagement, and you show up at my house with this…”

“Listen, Khushi. I am really sorry for my behavior, but it’s been stressful.  Plus we haven’t had time for one another, so things got out of control. That night, my friends slipped in a few drinks… I did not mean to get drunk. I just want to make this right between us, and finally start our life together. You have to admit the long distance relationship just doesn’t work. What do you say? We finally start our life on a clean slate…”

“How are we going to do that?  What about my work?”

“There are plenty of jobs in Chicago, and with your resume you can get a job anywhere you want. So, quit, and relax for a few months as we get settled over there. Let’s do this, please.”

I am torn with what I should do.  But, as my mother comes into the kitchen and I see the smile on her face, it’s obvious what I have to do. I nod, and he pulls me into an embrace, which makes my mother smile in awe.

The next few days go by in a blur, between work and the wedding preparations. I was able to convince him to let me work for a couple of months till he finds a place for us.

His mother calls me one evening to help Sameer at the guest house to prepare for out of town guests that will be coming for the wedding.

“Oh, this will be fun, I can surprise him. This should make him happy and give us some time together before the wedding.”

When I get to the house, I find the hidden key outside the house. His mother had told me about it over the phone, just in case he wasn’t here.

As I walk inside, I start feeling anxious seeing clothes scattered on the floor.  My feet stop on their own accord, as I look around seeing a dress and heels.

But, I then quickly move to the back of the house, as I hear Sameer’s laugh.  When I approach the bedroom door, it’s slightly ajar. My heart beats erratically, pushing it open, as I hear him groan. I can hear the laugh of a woman, which quickly turns into a breathy moan of pleasure. My body becomes numb, and I stand there to see my fiancé in bed with another woman.

She screams as she sees me, which makes him turn around.

“Shit! Khushi…what are you doing here? It’s… not what you think.”

He climbs off the bed, pulling on his jeans.

“Are you fucking serious? This is not what I think it is?!” I lose it, shaking my head feverishly, then let out a mocking laugh as I make my way outside.  

“Wait, please let me explain.  I am sorry…” He says coming up behind me grabbing my hand.

“GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF ME, RIGHT NOW!  Do you think this is a fucking joke? What were you thinking- oh wait, you weren’t thinking at all! Tell me is the first time or have you done th…”

I look up at him in disbelief, running my hands through my hair, as he looks down in shame.  

“I don’t believe this! How many times have you done this before? Why Sameer, why? I loved you! I tried to make this relationship work. Was it only about sex for you? Fucking say something and stop staring at me. Or are you not man enough to admit it?!”

“Yes, it was about sex, you kept pushing me away so what was I supposed to do? I got tired of waiting around, plus you weren’t with me so…”

“Oh, and that makes it okay?  Are you even listening to yourself? You know what I am done with you… the wedding is off.”

“Khushi, don’t do this-”

He grabs onto my hand again as I am leaving. I turn around and scowl up at him as my rage takes over, then slap him hard, my voice shaking with barely controlled anger.

“Touch me again, and I will kick you where it hurts the most.”

I storm out of the house and drive away, not knowing what to do next. There is no way I will marry him now. I can’t marry him.

Were the last few years nothing to him?

What is going to happen to my parents?

The wedding is in a few days…

I walk inside my house in a daze, and look at my parents who are labeling gifts on the table. They look so happy, and I am about to crush their dream.

“Titaliya, what’s wrong with you? Are you sick?  Garima, get some water… hurry.”

I slump down on the floor staring up at my father, who is holding up face questioning me.

“Babuji… woh… Sameer…”

I can’t say anything more, as my father holds me tightly securing me in his arms, as my mother hugs me from behind. I lose control, breaking down and sobbing about what I had witnessed.

How can someone who says they love you do this to you?

How did I not see this before?

Why does this hurt so much?

What did I do to deserve this?

Was there something lacking in me?

I spend the next year going through mixed emotions, trying to find the answers to those questions. While I am grateful it happened before we got married, but I can’t figure out how to alleviate the aching pain that just won’t go away.

What about my parents who have to listen to society pointing fingers at them for their daughter’s breakup?

Do they deserve this?

It wasn’t even their fault. And that’s what hurts the most. Not the fact that I didn’t get married.

There are cases where others might force their children to get married to avoid society’s taunts, but my parents have been very supportive, and took care of everything with his family.   

With their help, I put all my energy and time into work, reaching success at a fast rate. Nothing besides work and my parents matter to me.

My life becomes lifeless that year.

After attending a wedding with my parents one day, and facing society, makes me realize I want to run far far away.

“Is that Garima’s daughter whose wedding was broken off?”

“Wonder what happened to her, such a shame.”

“I heard she was more successful than the groom, so they broke it off.”

“It’s going to hard for them to find someone for her now?”

“Weren’t they in a relationship for a few years?  Who knows what these kids do nowadays before marriage.”

“I feel bad for Shashi and Garima.”

What am I doing with my life now?  I need to stop running, and rebuild it. My parents and I don’t deserve this. And I know exactly what to do.

“Amma, Babuji… I am moving to New York.”

I look at my parents’ stunned expression as we are having dinner. My father holds my mother’s hands to stop her from saying anything.

“Why?”

“I was contacted by a headhunter for a position with AR Corporation. That’s the company with the young CEO, Arnav Singh Raizada who has turned the company around from a failing small business. This is a key position on his leadership team to expand in New York. I can learn a lot from him if I get this position. Plus, I need time and space away from here to start my life over again.”

“So you’re saying if we let you move to New York, you will be able to move on from your past, and think about your future. Will you be able to do that?”

“Yes, I need this more than anything right now… I am tired of living like this.  He isn’t worth it, he never was. I need to prove to myself, that I can move past this. But, we know that it won’t happen here.”

“If this is what you really want, and you will leave your past behind… your Amma and I will support you. But, please move forward, we want to see our Khushi khush again.”

“I know I will be able to move forward at AR, and New York… I promise.”

Starting today, I need to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains and look forward to what’s coming next.

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